if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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