i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
