We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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