Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You made out with two different species that night
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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