I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
