You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
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