someone threw a dead crab at me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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