Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
