i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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