Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
