i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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