Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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