I met the friendliest cop last night
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
