ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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