i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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