we have pet lesbian snakes
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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