Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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