I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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