So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
