Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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