My room smells like vodka and shame
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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