Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
