i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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