No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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