do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
