im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
