I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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