I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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