ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
