i think my tv is drunk
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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