similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
