im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
