I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
