i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
