my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
