I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
