I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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