Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
