My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
