Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize