My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
