making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
