A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
