Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
