This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
