i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
