Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
