Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
