Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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