Apparently you make a good broom.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
