Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
