If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
