Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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