I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
