Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
