Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize