Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
