So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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