i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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