She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
