I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
