While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
